a lonely existence
by osnapitzsofia
Summary: Dean needs help but there is none to give. (Fem!Team Free Will, set after the teaser footage from SDCC) Implied Destiel and Demon!Dean


Work Text:

"I need your help."

She feels sick to her stomach. The warm light from the library makes her uncomfortable, and so does her sister. The war room looks exactly the same, with the map on the middle and the warding symbols on the walls. Sam and Cas look the same, with the plaid shirt and the trench coat, respectively. Everything looks the same but it feels so different.

Sam looks at her with something a little sister should never look at their older sister with, but Dean can't place what it is. Anger, fear, disgust. But she thinks there still is worry. And Cas refuses to meet Dean's eyes. They all stand there in silence, staring at each other. Sam and Cas are both holding knives.

Dean shoves her hands in her pockets and scuffs her foot on the concrete. There's a devil's trap painted on the ground around her. They wouldn't agree to talk to her unless she stood in the trap. It's weird to be inside of the symbol. Everything is so weird.

"Why should we help you?" Sam asks and her knuckles turn white on the knife. Dean knows her sister and she knows the true meaning behind the question. What do you need me to do? She briefly wonders if they've moved past their old argument, about Dean stopping Sam from killing herself in the trials and tricking her into being the vessel of Gadreel.

"You shouldn't really," Dean tells her little sister. She looks at Sam and she's reminded of their childhood. All the Christmases spent in trashy motel rooms, playing with superhero action figures in the backseat of the Impala, begging their dad to take them to discount book stores because Dean was old enough to understand that they weren't getting a real education. She remembers making fun of each other's real names, Deanna and Samantha. The teasing and the laughing and the crying.

But when she looks at Sam, she can't feel a thing.

"You shouldn't at all," she says, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. "I don't deserve your help. I-" She takes a deep breath. "I can't keep living like this. I don't even know how to describe it. The fucking Mark of Cain won't let me kill myself."

Cas finally meets Dean's eyes and if she could feel real emotions, she would have probably made a comment on how she looks like a dying puppy.

Being a demon wasn't half bad, at first. She could do whatever she wanted. She hunted, she slept around, and she drank. Occasionally Crowley would contact her, ask her to collect a soul if she wasn't busy. (She was always "busy.") She remembers the vampire nest in Illinois she took out and the boy she murdered for trying to steal money. She doesn't feel guilty, but she wants to.

She remembers when she loved the two women standing in front of her. She doesn't anymore, she can't anymore, but she desperately wants to. She remembers how easy it was. Her mind seems to grab on to a memory, when she died, when Metatron killed her. She was proud of them both, for everything.

For saving people, protecting each other, everything. She isn't proud anymore. Everything before she became a demon feels meaningless and gross. Everything after she became a demon feels the same way.

"You tried to kill yourself," Cas says, but it's phrased more like a question. They stare at each for who knows how long, Cas in a sort of shock and Dean with her normal neutral expression she can't seem to change.

"I don't know if there's anything that you can do to help me." Dean closes her in a pained sort of way. She should have never come to the bunker.

Sam and Cas have been standing at the very edge of the devil's trap, as if they were getting ready to break the lines of red paint on the ground at any moment. To be reunited with Deanna Winchester, the person who literally deserves it the least. She wants to cry, but can't.

"Dean, can I talk to Cas in private?" Sam asks. They walk into the library, all the way in the back where Dean can't see them. She doesn't know how she would feel if she could feel real emotions. Maybe betrayed or depressed, since she is suicidal, after all.

They come back and they both look at her weird. She presses her hand to cheek and sees she's been crying. Dean has no idea why, but she knows it's a start. A start to putting herself back together.

* * *

Sam draws a devil's trap on Dean's arm with a Sharpie so she can't leave. She wouldn't have tried anyway, but she sees the flaw in that plan; she could easily wash the marker off. She doesn't say anything. Cas insists she doesn't drink any kind of alcohol and Dean is too tired to argue.

She decides to go to her bedroom. It hasn't been touched in months and Dean doubts Sam has even gone inside. The bed is unmade and the picture of Dean with her mother is dusty. She straightens the blankets, grabs the photograph, and sits down on the bed. She remembers being excited about getting her own room and going out and buying a memory foam mattress. She hadn't had her own room since she was four years old. She feels herself start to cry again.

She doesn't know how long she's been sitting there when Cas comes in. She sits next to Dean and neither say anything for a few minutes.

"Sam wants to try the human blood injections," Cas says gently and she brushes a strand of hair out of Dean's face.

"It's not going to work," Dean replies bluntly, staring at the photo of her mother.

Her mother used to tell her, "You're my little angel." If only Mary Winchester could see how completely ironic that statement is. Dean almost laughs.

"It could at least help you with the emotional problems." Dean forgot Cas could read minds if she wanted to.

"Sam's using her own blood, isn't she?"

"She's doing the confession right now. She's the only human we have. Although, my grace is fading." Dean forgot about that too and she feels a twinge of something. Guilt.

She stands up and grimaces at Cas. "All three of us will be human soon."

* * *

**So I haven't posted anything on here in I don't know how long. Sorry. *whispers* I know I got most of my followers on here from that PJO/HP crossover like a year ago almost and this is Supernatural, sorry.**

**From now on, anything I post on here will also be posted on my tumblr (timelacly . tumblr . com) and ao3 (the username is timelacly). This story isn't posted on tumblr yet actually...**

**Also I posted this yesterday but I edited it and I fixed the tenses (because occasionally I used past tense in here) and the pacing is so much better. Also at the end I accidentally used male pronouns for Sam...**

**I'm currently working on a part two!**

**~Sofia**


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